"feeling safe"
Creativity is hard for me without first feeling safe. If things like finances or relationships are not where I want them to be my ability to create slows to a churn if not an outright halt. Without shelter of employment, health, friends, family etc, my desire to create is stunted.
I recently began looking for a new job which completely consumed me and any free time I had. Multiple rounds of interviews often requiring take-home assignments followed by interview panels. The grind completely eradicated my urge to create.
When things are at a calm at work, not being too easy or challenging, my inclination to create begins to flow, but as soon as work shoots in one way or the other creative output dries up.
My mom, someone I am not on the best terms with, came to stay recently for knee replacement surgery with the expectation she would only stay for a couple of weeks. Needless to say her visit unraveled into several weeks. If she and I had a better relationship then I think it would have invigorated my creative drive, but without many postive memories to stand on, her presence provided a less than experience for both me and my family.
The idea of the tortured artist is so foreign to me because during these moments the last thing I would want to do would be to create anything, I would rather eat ice cream and watch The Wire (eg. media, food, alcohol, marijuana) or whatever necessary to escape the moment.
When living my best there seems to be a balance and effortlessness to it all; every moment seems to just fit, inside and outside. Instead of relying on moments of ease, I want to use art as a means to lift myself up from the inside when things are down and out on the outside.